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Motivational Quotes
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Funny Motivational Quotes

May these motivational Funny Motivational quotes inspire you.

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

Related topics: Funny Cynical Motivational

Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle

When you reach the end of your rope,
tie a knot and hang on.
- Anonymous Saying
(Sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson)


 

When you think you're out of time,
smile, and turn back the clock.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain

If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off
until the day after tomorrow what should
have been done the day before yesterday.
- Napoleon Hill

A person with a new idea is
a crank until the idea succeeds.
- Mark Twain

A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well,
no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres

Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

That's my only goal.
Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone
has a good time and works hard.
- Joe Rogan

California is a fine place to live -
if you happen to be an orange.
- Fred Allen

Always end the name of your child with a vowel,
so that when you yell, the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
- Tracey Ullman

If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
- Erma Bombeck

I used to sell furniture for a living.
The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
- George Burns

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb
cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- Dave Barry

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright

Nothing is more cheerful than talking
about our friends' shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
- Mel Brooks

Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
- Ogden Nash

I like marriage.
The idea.
- Toni Morrison

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

Parrots make great pets.
They have more personality than goldfish.
- Chevy Chase

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
- Winston Churchill

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

The world's mental.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
- Jim Carrey

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
- W. C. Fields

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks-
if we agree with him.
- Mark Twain

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W. Clement Stone

Still, things could be a lot worse.
Oh, that's right... I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't.
- the movie Megamind (2010)

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I
should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin

A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous

I was sleeping the other night, alone,
thanks to the exterminator.
- Emo Philips

I have a love interest in every one of my films:
a gun.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath
toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

It happens - Sometimes.
- the movie Forrest Gump


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May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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