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May these motivational Funny Motivational quotes inspire you.
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
Related topics: Funny Cynical Motivational
Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle
When you reach the end of your rope,
tie a knot and hang on.
- Anonymous Saying
(Sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson)
When you think you're out of time,
smile, and turn back the clock.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain
If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra
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Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off
until the day after tomorrow what should
have been done the day before yesterday.
- Napoleon Hill
A person with a new idea is
a crank until the idea succeeds.
- Mark Twain
A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well,
no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain
That's my only goal.
Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone
has a good time and works hard.
- Joe Rogan
California is a fine place to live -
if you happen to be an orange.
- Fred Allen
Always end the name of your child with a vowel,
so that when you yell, the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
- Tracey Ullman
If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
- Erma Bombeck
I used to sell furniture for a living.
The trouble was, it was my own.
- Les Dawson
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
- George Burns
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb
cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- Dave Barry
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright
Nothing is more cheerful than talking
about our friends' shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
- Mel Brooks
Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
- Ogden Nash
I like marriage.
The idea.
- Toni Morrison
You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)
Parrots make great pets.
They have more personality than goldfish.
- Chevy Chase
I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
- Winston Churchill
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
The world's mental.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
- Jim Carrey
Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
- W. C. Fields
We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks-
if we agree with him.
- Mark Twain
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W. Clement Stone
Still, things could be a lot worse.
Oh, that's right... I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't.
- the movie Megamind (2010)
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I
should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
I was sleeping the other night, alone,
thanks to the exterminator.
- Emo Philips
I have a love interest in every one of my films:
a gun.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath
toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
It happens - Sometimes.
- the movie Forrest Gump
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