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Motivational Quotes
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Funny Quotes

May these motivational Funny quotes inspire you.

A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer

Related topics: Friendship Relationship Cute Whimsey Favorite-Quotes

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill


 

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous

Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

When you reach the end of your rope,
tie a knot and hang on.
- Anonymous Saying
(Sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson)

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well,
no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

When you think you're out of time,
smile, and turn back the clock.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

That's my only goal.
Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone
has a good time and works hard.
- Joe Rogan

I am easily satisfied with the very best.
- Winston Churchill

Drawing on my fine command of the English language,
I said nothing.
- Robert Benchley

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
- Casey Stengel

Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Steven Wright

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
- Lewis Mumford

EVERYONE has the right to make an ass out of themselves.
- Harold and Maude (The movie )

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man
take which course he will,
he will be sure to repent.
- Socrates

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Nine-tenths of the people were created
so you would want to be with the other tenth.
- Horace Walpole

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg

Don't forget Mother's Day.
Or as they call it in Beverly Hills,
Dad's Third Wife Day.
- Jay Leno

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
- Saint Augustine

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
- Yogi Berra

Go ahead, make my day.
- the movie Sudden Impact (1983)

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
- Calvin Coolidge

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
- the movie Shrek 2 (2004)

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
- Bill Cosby

I was born in very sorry circumstances.
Both of my parents were very sorry.
- Norman Wisdom

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
- Jim Carrey

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

I have lost friends, some by death ...
others by sheer inability to cross the street.
- Virginia Woolf

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off
until the day after tomorrow what should
have been done the day before yesterday.
- Napoleon Hill

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
- Bob Hope

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

If I had known what it would be like to have it all -
I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
- the movie Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman


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May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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Motivational Quotes



 


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