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Motivational Quotes
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Funny Quotes

May these motivational Funny quotes inspire you.

You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill

Related topics: Wisdom Values Cynical Cute Whimsey Courage Self

Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks-
if we agree with him.
- Mark Twain

A person with a new idea is
a crank until the idea succeeds.
- Mark Twain


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Thank you for joining me on this journey we call life,
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain


 

You got to be careful if you
don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
- Yogi Berra

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain

One day Alice came to a fork in the road
and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
His responses was a question: "Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
- Lewis Carroll

Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein

When you think you're out of time,
smile, and turn back the clock.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.
- Stephen Hawking

A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer

When you reach the end of your rope,
tie a knot and hang on.
- Anonymous Saying
(Sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson)

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle

Laugh Loud - Laugh Often
Laugh At What's Funny - Laugh At What's Sad
Laugh At Me - Laugh At You - Laugh At Life
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I'm awash in self-contempt!
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

Old age has deformities enough of its own.
It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

I am easily satisfied with the very best.
- Winston Churchill

I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- the movie Love and Death

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous

Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous

I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- the movie Simon Birch

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted!
And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried
and smothered in chocolate.
- the movie Shrek 2

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary (2001)

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
- the movie Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)

I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale

I feel the need to express something,
but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- the movie Interiors

I personally think we developed language
because of our deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Anonymous

I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

It's a funny thing about life;
if you refuse to accept anything but the best,
you very often get it.
- W. Somerset Maugham

I want to thank my parents for everything I am today -
fat, miserable, and paranoid.
- Anonymous

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- Emo Phillips

We have a great life here in Alaska,
and we're never going back to America again!
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

What we've got here is failure to communicate.
- the movie Cool Hand Luke

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -
and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious
as to have friends at a distance;
they make the latitudes and the longitudes.
- Henry David Thoreau

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

This is my ultimate fantasy:
watching QVC with a credit card
while making love and eating at the same time.
- Yasmine Bleeth

The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln

Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks!
It's going be a bumpy ride!
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall


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May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Motivational Quotes



 


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