Search using one or two keywords and/or an author last name.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain



Facebook share   Tweet This   Email this

Motivational Quotes
Motivational Quotes  |  Funny Motivational Quotes  |  Search Quotes  |  Links  |  About
Topics:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z

Joan Rivers Quotes

I hope you find these Joan Rivers Quotes inspiring and motivational.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath
toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers

Related topics: Funny

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.
- Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
- Joan Rivers


 

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else,
and we strive to swim on top.
- Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
- Joan Rivers

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good,
until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think
in your mind that the counsel is wise.
- Joan Rivers


Please sign-up for my Free Daily Inspirational Quotes and Insights Email on the form below.

Thank you for joining me on this journey we call life,
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Sign-up for your free subscription to my Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email.

Your E-Mail Address:
Your Name:

To confirm your subscription, you must click on a link in the email being sent to you.

Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way.


It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
- Joan Rivers

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit,
the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
- Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
- Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
- Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked,
but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- Joan Rivers

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
- Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling,
I'll consider it.
- Joan Rivers

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth
he forgot to cut the cord.
For a year that kid followed me everywhere.
It was like having a dog on a leash.
- Joan Rivers

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
- Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life.
All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.'
For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
- Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish.
I don't work out.
If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
- Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house,
and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
- Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me.
And equal partners we will be.
- Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness,
but I always figured if you have enough money,
you can have a key made.
- Joan Rivers

I hate housework!
You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months
later you have to start all over again.
- Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
- Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness.
My audiences are my group therapy.
- Joan Rivers

Yeah, I read history.
But it doesn't make you nice.
Hitler read history, too.
- Joan Rivers

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
- Joan Rivers

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you.
For years I used to wake up my daughter and say,
'Melissa you ripped me to shreds.
Now go back to sleep.'.
- Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
- Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look
like without plastic surgery.
- Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
- Joan Rivers

I don't excercise.
If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals.
She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
- Joan Rivers

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?
- Robert H. Schuller

I want it said of me by those who knew me best,
that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower
where I thought a flower would grow.
- Abraham Lincoln

Die when I may, I want it said by those who knew me best
that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower
where I thought a flower would grow.
- Abraham Lincoln

When I saw you I fell in love,
and you smiled because you knew.
- commonly but falsely attributed to William Shakespeare

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau

I breathed a song into the air,
It fell to earth, I knew not where;
For who has sight so keen and strong,
That it can follow the flight of song -
The song from beginning to end,
I found again in the heart of a friend.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

We are now at a point where we must educate our children
in what no one knew yesterday,
and prepare our schools for what no one knows yet.
- Margaret Mead

The more he became truly wise,
the more he distrusted everything he knew.
- Voltaire

When we hate our enemies, we are
giving them power over us:
power over our sleep, our appetites,
our blood pressure, our health, and our happiness.
Our enemies would dance with joy if only
they knew how they were worrying us,
lacerating us, and getting even with us!
Our hate is not hurting them at all,
but our hate is turning our own days
and nights into a hellish turmoil.
- Dale Carnegie

Future generations are not going to ask us
what political party were you in.
They are going to ask what did you do about it,
when you knew the glaciers were melting.
- Martin Sheen

I wasn't anything special as a father.
But I loved them and they knew it.
- Sammy Davis, Jr.

My father? I never knew him.
Never even seen a picture of him.
- Eminem

I wanted to escape so badly.
But of course I knew I couldn't just give up and leave school.
It was only when I heard my mom's voice that I came out of my hiding place.
- Zhang Ziyi

So my father was a person who never lied to me.
If I had a question, he answered it.
I knew a lot of things at a young age because I was intrigued.
- Nick Cannon

What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?
- Robert H. Schuller

Without music, life would be a mistake...
I would only believe in a God who knew how to dance.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Peace hath higher tests of manhood, than battle ever knew.
- John Greenleaf Whittier

All my life I knew that there was all the money you could want out there.
All you have to do is go after it.
- Curtis Carlson

The world is a country which nobody ever yet knew by description;
one must travel through it one's self to be acquainted with it.
- Lord Chesterfield

My family knew, but most of the sporting world did
not realize that my right hand been some 75% paralyzed.
- Bill Toomey

A person is smart. People are dumb,
panicky dangerous animals and you know it.
Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew
the Earth was the center of the universe.
Five hundred years ago,
everybody knew the Earth was flat,
and fifteen minutes ago,
you knew that humans were alone on this planet.
Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
- the movie Men in Black

Our honorable and worthy ancestors knew that the world was flat,
motionless, and the center of the universe.
They knew the human body could not withstand
the forces of traveling faster than 19 mph.
They knew that the way to salvation was
exorcising witches and slaying non-believers.
They knew that it was a mortal sin to marry
someone of a different skin color.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I always knew that food and wine were vital,
with my mother being Italian and a good cook.
- Robert Mondavi

I wanted to be a forest ranger or a coal man.
At a very early age, I knew I didn't want to do what my dad did,
which was work in an office.
- Harrison Ford

If we knew what it was we were doing,
it would not be called research, would it?
- Albert Einstein

John Candy knew he was going to die.
He told me on his 40th birthday.
He said, well, Maureen, I'm on borrowed time.
- Maureen O'Hara

I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love.
- Henry Ward Beecher

People are still asking me if I knew Star Wars was
going to be that big of a hit.
Yes, we all knew.
The only one who didn't know was George.
- Carrie Fisher

I didn't know writers could be real live people,
because I never knew any writers.
- Rita Dove

John Glenn craved the publicity.
I think even John would admit that.
When he went into politics, that became pretty obvious!
He knew how to do public relations.
- Wally Schirra

I just knew there were stories I wanted to tell.
- Octavia Butler

New ideas pass through three periods:
1) It can't be done.
2) It probably can be done, but it's not worth doing.
3) I knew it was a good idea all along!
- Arthur C. Clarke

There's this unspoken club where you say to each other:
Oh God,
if they only knew how ordinary I was,
they wouldn't be interested.
That includes movie stars and politicians.
- Margot Kidder

I did not think much what I was writing them for,
except that I knew I wanted my next novel to be in
some less conventional form than straight narrative.
- Nicholas Mosley

I knew I had the right material and I knew what I was going after.
- George Thorogood

We knew shortly after the war that our troops were becoming ill.
- Christopher Shays

The poets whom I knew then were all men and all seemed
dauntingly sure of themselves -
although I am sure that really they were as uncertain as I was.
- Helen Dunmore


Thank you for visiting: Joan Rivers Quotes.

Please sign up on the form below to receive my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Sign-up for your free subscription to my Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email.

Your E-Mail Address:
Your Name:

To confirm your subscription, you must click on a link in the email being sent to you.

Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way.

Motivational Quotes



 


All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and
other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.
You may read about our disclaimer, privacy policy, terms of use, participation in affiliate programs, copyright policy, and more.