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Groucho Marx Quotes

I hope you find these Groucho Marx Quotes inspiring and motivational.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

Related topics: Funny

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx


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Thank you for joining me on this journey we call life,
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup


 

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- Groucho Marx

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
- Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx

The fewer secrets you have, the happier you will be.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A dream you dream alone is only a dream.
A dream you dream together becomes reality.
- John Lennon

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

You can learn how to let go of the past.
Whether you have experienced a break up
with someone you cared for deeply,
whether death has taken a loved one,
whether you have had a feud with a friend or family member,
whether you have lost a job.
Move on and let go.
Life can be joyful and rewarding again.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine

Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci

They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man
take which course he will,
he will be sure to repent.
- Socrates

Make sure you never, never argue at night.
You just lose a good night's sleep,
and you can't settle anything until morning anyway.
- Rose Kennedy

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

There is no substitute for the comfort supplied
by the utterly taken-for-granted relationship.
- Iris Murdoch

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect.
If it's not based on respect,
nothing that appears to be good will last very long.
- Amy Grant

I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous

The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple:
you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities
but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
- Quentin Crisp

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase

Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)

A divorce is like an amputation:
you survive it, but there's less of you.
- Margaret Atwood

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill

There is more of good nature than of good sense
at the bottom of most marriages.
- Henry David Thoreau

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person.
- Germaine Greer

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck.
If you live through it, you start looking
very carefully to the right and to the left.
- Jean Kerr

Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.
- Mike Murdock

Not everyone is always going to like what you do.
Your job application, your book proposal,
your offer of marriage is going to
get rejected sometimes - perhaps often.
Your boss, your spouse, even the person
behind you in the supermarket checkout line
is occasionally going to think that you are doing it all wrong.
Don't take it personally.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer

My husband melted my heart the day he asked me,
"Can I participate in your wonder?"
In whose wonder do you get to participate today?
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous

In a bad marriage, friends are the invisible glue.
If we have enough friends, we may go on for years,
intending to leave, talking about leaving -
instead of actually getting up and leaving.
- Erica Jong

Don't marry the person you think you can live with;
marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
- James C. Dobson

Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of
becoming passionate friends.
- Harville Hendrix


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May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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