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I hope you find these Groucho Marx Quotes inspiring and motivational.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
Related topics: Funny
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
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Thank you for joining me on this journey we call life,
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- Groucho Marx
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
- Groucho Marx
Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx
The fewer secrets you have, the happier you will be.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A dream you dream alone is only a dream.
A dream you dream together becomes reality.
- John Lennon
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
You can learn how to let go of the past.
Whether you have experienced a break up
with someone you cared for deeply,
whether death has taken a loved one,
whether you have had a feud with a friend or family member,
whether you have lost a job.
Move on and let go.
Life can be joyful and rewarding again.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man
take which course he will,
he will be sure to repent.
- Socrates
Make sure you never, never argue at night.
You just lose a good night's sleep,
and you can't settle anything until morning anyway.
- Rose Kennedy
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
There is no substitute for the comfort supplied
by the utterly taken-for-granted relationship.
- Iris Murdoch
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect.
If it's not based on respect,
nothing that appears to be good will last very long.
- Amy Grant
I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous
The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple:
you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities
but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
- Quentin Crisp
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
A divorce is like an amputation:
you survive it, but there's less of you.
- Margaret Atwood
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill
There is more of good nature than of good sense
at the bottom of most marriages.
- Henry David Thoreau
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person.
- Germaine Greer
Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck.
If you live through it, you start looking
very carefully to the right and to the left.
- Jean Kerr
Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.
- Mike Murdock
Not everyone is always going to like what you do.
Your job application, your book proposal,
your offer of marriage is going to
get rejected sometimes - perhaps often.
Your boss, your spouse, even the person
behind you in the supermarket checkout line
is occasionally going to think that you are doing it all wrong.
Don't take it personally.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer
My husband melted my heart the day he asked me,
"Can I participate in your wonder?"
In whose wonder do you get to participate today?
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous
In a bad marriage, friends are the invisible glue.
If we have enough friends, we may go on for years,
intending to leave, talking about leaving -
instead of actually getting up and leaving.
- Erica Jong
Don't marry the person you think you can live with;
marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
- James C. Dobson
Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of
becoming passionate friends.
- Harville Hendrix
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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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