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Emo Philips Quotes

I hope you find these Emo Philips Quotes inspiring and motivational.

I was sleeping the other night, alone,
thanks to the exterminator.
- Emo Philips

Related topics: Funny

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
- Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way
so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- Emo Philips


 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Emo Philips

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get
them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and
beat you with a warm squash or something.
- Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer.
My nipple was getting quite soggy.
- Emo Philips


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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
- Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down.
They don't know I'm firing blanks.
- Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man,
and I was crushed.
So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
- Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when
you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
- Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the
little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming.
They don't know I'm only using blanks.
- Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello.
So, hooray for speech therapy.
- Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers...
no, I take that back.
- Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman:
Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
- Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass
away free and charge five dollars for the second glass.
The refill contained the antidote.
- Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved,
but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
- Emo Philips

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy
of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads,
where they are safe.
- Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days,
when children worked in factories?
- Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
- Emo Philips

Actually, my cd was released in 1985,
in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
- Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a
combination of evil and incompetence...
sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
- Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw
through the leather straps.
- Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started
until I've had that first,
piping hot pot of coffee.
Oh, I've tried other enemas.
- Emo Philips

I got some new underwear the other day.
Well, new to me.
- Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes
on the way in and if you didn't have any,
they gave you some.
- Emo Philips

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky,
but there's never any gum under any of them.
- Emo Philips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool,
trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
- Emo Philips

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well,
I don't have an alibi.
- Emo Philips

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when
they have to kill a family member because they are the devil.
But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
- Emo Philips

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said,
'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says,
'Hello!'
- Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
- Emo Philips

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
- Emo Philips

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
- Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into
an alleyway and lost him.
- Emo Philips

I was with this girl the other night and from the way
she was responding to my skillful caresses,
you would have sworn that she was conscious from the
top of her head to the tag on her toes.
- Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy,
and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said,
"You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said,
"Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
- Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet,
and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it,
but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars,
how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
- Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains
of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is.
I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
- Emo Philips

You know that place between sleeping and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I'll always think of you.
- James M. Barrie

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
- Bill Cosby

By nature, we are all creatures of habit.
We instinctively adopt familiar routines for most activities.
We eat about the same number of meals each day -
at more or less the same times.
We have a regular pattern of sleeping -
unless it is perturbed by illness or shift work.
Most everything we do is habitual.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

My mother gets all mad at me if I stay in a hotel.
I'm 31-years-old, and I don't want to sleep on a sleeping
bag down in the basement.
It's humiliating.
- Ben Affleck

Those who have compared our life to a dream were right...
we were sleeping wake, and waking sleep.
- Michel de Montaigne

Whenever the competition is sleeping is when I shine.
- Kim Collins

You know how most dogs lick you on the cheek? If you're
sleeping and not ready for it,
my dog, Joe, will get his tongue inside your mouth.
It's by far the worst kiss I've ever had.
- Will Estes

Sleeping together is a euphemism for people,
but tantamount to marriage with cats.
- Marge Piercy

I know that my fans want to know who I'm sleeping with,
but it's really none of their business.
- Diana Ross

I was 16 years old, driving to LA, and sleeping in my car,
just trying to make it happen.
- Nick Cannon

I have a deep conviction that our lives are eternal,
that it is waking and sleeping, that we are born together
with the people we love lifetime after lifetime.
- Marcia Wallace

The only thing that comes to a sleeping man is dreams.
- Tupac Shakur

I never thought of stopping, and I just hated sleeping.
I can't imagine having a better life.
- Barbara McClintock

You can't look at a sleeping cat and be tense.
- Jane Pauley

Living inside the shuttle was a little like camping out.
We ended up sleeping in our seats.
You had to pay attention to housekeeping,
not get things too dirty.
- Robert Crippen

I'll get into a pattern where I start sleeping only between 12 and 3.30,
and go for weeks like that.
- Trisha Goddard

The Cold War isn't thawing; it is burning with a deadly heat.
Communism isn't sleeping; it is, as always,
plotting, scheming, working, fighting.
- Richard M. Nixon

While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
- Dean Rusk

I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant
and fill him with a terrible resolve.
- Isoroku Yamamoto

I really need to be alone.
I can't deal with someone sleeping next to me.
- John Lone

To be always intending to make a new and better life
but never to find time to set about it is as to put
off eating and drinking and sleeping from one day to
the next until you're dead.
- Og Mandino

I do not understand the capricious lewdness of the sleeping mind.
- John Cheever

Standing near the door, we dipped our fingers in the holy water,
crossed and blessed ourselves, and proceeded up to the sleeping-room,
in the usual order, two by two.
- Maria Monk

We'll engage in pretty extreme violence in the world but,
you know, the one thing that comes to humans as easily
as eating or breathing or sleeping,
is sex.
- Mark Ruffalo

In some parts of Ireland the sleep which knows no waking
is always followed by a wake which knows no sleeping.
- Mary Wilson Little

I am fed up with men who use sex like a sleeping pill.
- Toni Braxton

All this fuss about sleeping together.
For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day.
- Evelyn Waugh

I wasn't eating.
I wasn't sleeping.
All I was doing was cocaine.
I stayed awake for about two weeks, locked in my bedroom.
I went down from a 142 pounds to 110 pounds.
- Andy Gibb

Midwest kids got to summer camp.
There is something very special about being away from
your parents for the first time,
sleeping under the stars, hiking and canoeing.
- Jami Gertz

These flowers, which were splendid and sprightly,
waking in the dawn of the morning, in the evening will be a pitiful frivolity,
sleeping in the cold night's arms.
- Pedro Calderon de la Barca

AUM, the most primordial human sound -
and the sound most connected to Spirit,
is pronounced in these three parts:
A (as in mama) - a throat sound
that vibrates in the abdomen - signifies waking.
U (as in who) - a tongue sound
that vibrates in the chest - signifies dreaming.
M (as in mama) - a lip sound
that vibrates in the head - signifies sleeping.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A life of leisure and a life of laziness are two things.
There will be sleeping enough in the grave.
- Benjamin Franklin


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May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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